I'm going out Christmas shopping today in Millbury.  It's not going to be fun at all, it will be the opposite of fun.  Crowds of people are the number one things that I usually stay away from. However, I need gifts for pretty much everyone because I haven't had money until now to buy them. 

Abe expects me to buy him this $200 snowboard jacket at Dicks.  I know that usually I would have the money to buy him that , but right now I just don't .  I have to pretty much clean out my savings account to get that for him, which leaves me with $0 to bring to Israel with me.  I'll have to ask my parents to borrow the money, pretty much.  The only reason he wants this expensive gift is because he bought me a Nintendo DS for my birthday.  I understand, I guess, but I wish I knew how to tell him that I really cant afford to spend this kind of money on him right now.  But I love him, and don't want to disappoint him.

At least I have a couple gift certificates for Kohls , and I hope I can find something for my Dad there.  I bought my Mom a massage chair, I wanted to get her a really nice one online , but I ended up going to KMart last night and found one there.  Its still nice, and I really hope she likes it.  I dont have a clue what else I would get her.  My parents are really hard to shop for.

Abe and I are getting together tomorrow at some point during the day <3.  Tonight I may be going to Tinas, I want to bring her and Philip Christmas gifts.  Tina and I have been friends since grade 4, the day she moved 2 houses down from me.  I love her to death, even though she has made some bad choices in her life.  She's also dealt with a lot, and is dealing with a lot of stress right now, and the least I can do is try to make her happy. She lets me come over and crash at her apartment when I cant handle my family. 

Okay, time to go.

I haven't felt anything for weeks. I guess I feel the normal things. Stress, frustration, & feelings of love for Abe, but I feel these every day. What I don't feel is motivation or happiness. I'm just all around disgusted with myself and I have become neutral.

I've seemingly just lost a friend and of course posting on a blog is the best way to get back at them.  I won't do that. I'm not mad.  I deserve it anyway, and if apologies wont help then I have no energy to fight.  

I've gained 15 pounds in the past 4 months. I've let down friends and hurt myself.  I've be having such a hard time talking to anyone lately.  And whats come over me? Probably the awful summer had something to do with this.  I felt my motivation slipping then. 

It's time to get it back.  What's happened in the meantime is history, I'm not trying to change it.

When I move into my new apartment next month it's gonna change.  I'll walk into town everyday, and when classes start I wont leave campus until all my work is done every night.  My room will be my personal sanctuary- to sleep and be with my man. 
    

Heyo.  At the library to do my research paper for my voice teacher.  It's about "Famous sopranos who started out their careers as soubrettes".  Amy (my teacher) picked the topic.  This shouldnt be too bad, I think she said only 3 pages. I'll have to check later after I get some work done on it.

Amy's amazing. http://amysjohnson.com  I had my voice lesson today, as on every Thursday.  I'm working on a Rossini song cycle called "La Regata Veneziana" for my junior recital next semester.  Its on March 28th.  I'll also be doing a Poulenc cycle and a really difficult Mozart Concert aria that I am not entirely convinced I'll be able to do.  We'll see what happens when I get the sheet music in the mail and actually look at it.

The girl from the apartment I was going to rent emailed me today and told me that her roommate was staying.  I'm upset because this means I have to look for a room again when I've already spent so much time on this.. and I need to be focusing on my schoolwork now. But I need to find a fucking place to live.  I guess it shouldnt be too hard to find another place, its just the time it takes to go to places that pisses me off when I have so much to do.

Back to the paper. I'll write later when I cant sleep.

12/11/08 12:22am
It's finals week next week.  I should be writing a German paper, and one out of the 3 German Lied papers I have due next week.  But I'm gonna try to wake up at 4am to go to the library.  Why?  Because I procrastinate and am becoming a horrible student.  I know this and yet don't do as much about it as I should.  I'm watching the stupid south park episode about Peruvian flute bands and a parody of that movie Cloverfield (I actually liked that movie).  What a great way to spend time.

I'm singing in a small group of us from the Chamber Choir for a holiday party tomorrow at the campus center.  Hopefully this will cheer me up and give me a bit of spirit.

I can't wait to move off campus.  I'm moving into this apartment complex called Colonial Village.  I liked the roommate a whole lot and the place seemed nice.  My mom looked up reviews of the complex online and apparently it has shitty reviews. Oh well, its my first place off campus.  And if I really get along with the girl (Nadia) like I think I will, it should be great.  The room is decent sized and it should be a good place to either study or party.  I'm on the second floor, so even if the neighbors are loud it shouldnt be too bad.  Apparently the first floor is always the one that hears the noise.  Hopefully I can get my decent furniture... at least my parents are buying me a bed.  I don't deserve that sort of thing from them.

Oh gawd that show Chocolate News is on.  I actually find it funny sometimes but the guys voice just sort of bothers me .  He does this sort of tenor/highish yelling/loud talking thing.  Its a little obnoxious.  Comedy Central is one of my favorite networks though.  

He just reminded me that Barack Obama is president.  How sweet. 

Goodnight...Good morning.

I've decided I'll start writing in here again.. at least until I head off to work the summer camp at the end of June.  I'll start as soon as I don't have so much work to do...

  Rachel

   I was pretty sick this week... but last weekend I pretty much partied like a rock star. (when I wasn't acting like a total drunk fool).  Abe and I went to Lasell Saturday ngiht, even though I should've because I already felt weak. And Friday night was a chill party for us.  I probably harmed my lungs and made the oncoming Bronchitis come faster.
  
    This week has pretty much been the busiest week of the semester so far.  But the weekend's the fun part: I have a preview performance of Brundibar (the children's opera I am in.. on Saturday from 1-5pm, and Chamber Choir concert Saturday night.  This stinks because I have to miss one of my colleagues recitals.  The whole opera thing has been kind of stupid.. they keep changing stage directors, and introducing new people to double on characters , and it's beginning to drive me up the wall a tad.  Anyway-- I guess Sunday won't be too bad because I have just one rehearsal at 5pm.. but Monday is my voice studio's recital.. So Sunday will be practice day, forever. 

    I'm a little excited about Saturday night, although it won't to any extend be the best concert the Chamber Choir has done this year (in my opinion).  I went out to eat with Abe & his parents last night even though i was sick (they just randomly came to see him), and I invited them to my concert.  Funny thing... Abe's parents and my parents have never met, and Abe and I have been dating for approximately one year and 2 months. Crazy, right?  I'm a little nervous because my parents (esp. my mom), are wacko compared to them, even though I loveee them.  But they need to meet, for real.

    I was pretty sick this week, I believe with Bronchitis.  I went to the doctors yesterday and was prescribed an inhaler, & cough medicine.. because she was under some weird assumption that I may have the flu.  Although I've felt pretty lousy since Sunday, I'm like 98% sure I don't have the flu.  And somehow... today I feel soo much better.  My chest is still a little tight, but probably by tomorrow I'll be pretty much all set. I'm so relieved, having a cough like I get is the worst.

    This is good... because on Monday I am singing (in my opinion) one of the most beautiful French art songs ever written (not that I really know many) - L'invitation au Voyage by Duparc/Baudelaire.  And two other pieces in a song cycle called Ellis Island which involves all of us (the whole studio).
     Hellz yeah...  OK time to do some important things.

    
    

Mental breakdown # 1, today. Or yesterday and today.  I wish I was capable of dealing with my own stress, without pills.  I go off them for 2 days and my mind is flying around like a kite in the wind. 
    I'm at the library right now.  Something in my mind told me just to go here, relax and get some homework done. And Abe's here working too, which gives me the motivation I need not to just crash on my bed and forget the world right now.  Nothing's really bad, I just need about a whole day to organize when and how I should get all my work done.
    Today I lost my ucard and had to buy a new one, came to the realization that I have to memorize three new voice pieces in one weekend, and had a mini-flip out.  I had a Brundibar rehearsal today from 6:30-9:30 and I show up and they don't need me because one of the other leads was sick.  So they had sent everyone home.  The rehearsals are in Florence, which is about a half hour away from UMass.  This happened yesterday too, that they didn't need me for rehearsal because they only rehearsed the first 3 scenes.  So I sat there for 2 hours.   Like I don't have enough homework and other things to do in my day.
     However, despite my negative outlook on everything right now, I am still enjoying being in this production... there's just all of a sudden a lot going on at once.   And I don't have any money.  No job, no money.  And the guy that I was going to house-sit for this weekend doesn't need me anymore.  Goodbye money in my account, goodbye trip to the movies to take a break from reality. 
       Time to do theory homework.  I have a test tomorrow morning, and my writing makes no sense right now. 

   I got home this evening with Abe.  My Mom's 50th birthday was Thursday, and we are having a grand party in her honor tomorrow afternoon.  I am very happy that I get to be there.. I was afraid that I wasn't because of opera rehearsals, but luckily it was cancelled.  Abe is currently working on some Physics homework, and since I already vacuumed and mopped the floors, I am letting myself write in here.  I like when he comes home with me, and I get to sleep with him in my big water bed (that was originally my parents.. and I inherited).  It makes me think how happy I'll be when we move off campus next semester and we get to sleep together every night-- like we do now-- except in a bed that is big enough both of us to actually sprawl out. 

    Last night we had some sort of a "party"; That is, 4 of us got drunk and played Rock Band.  I drank four beers and got semi-really-wasted.  Being a small female, on 2 different medications, I don't have to drink much to get drunker than an Irish guy on St. Patty's Day.  Then we smoked our headies and I don't remember much more after that except dancing like an idiot and lying idly on Abe's futon. Haha. 
   
     I went to meet this guy today that I'm house sitting for next weekend.  I guess he's a chemistry professor at UMass.. anyway his dogs were really cute and I can't wait to spend time with them and get paid for it.  That'll be nice.  We went for a very dangerous walk through the conservation in his back yard.. it was very slippery.  The dogs didn't need leases.. they were very well trained and pretty much stayed with us.  I wish my dog was like that.
      
    Abe was playing video games for most of the day when I got back; I told him I wanted to leave for my house but then went and fell asleep until about 4pm.  It must have been all that partyin.  We finally came to my house about 8pm.  Stopped at Starbucks on the way, I love the Cinnamon Dolce Lattes there YUM.  Chill time.

Rachel <3

    Yesterday was so nice.  I woke up with my man beside me(who got to sleep in, the rat!) and somehow made it to my 8am class , Elementary Methods.  It was my turn to teach my song lesson- and I think I did pretty well.  At least, the other students sang it back to me after I taught it, and it sounded right.  I hope they evaluated me well, this may sound redundant but I want a good grade in that class!  I went to Psych of Aging, which turned out to be the most boring class so far, but I ate my egg & cheese English muffin, and contently coasted through it, taking notes as usual.  It's pretty cool, for that class we have lecture notes, where you just fill out the blanks on the pre-made pages.  It's such an interesting class, too. 
   
      Anyway,. after that I went into town and bought Abe The Office (BBC version) on DVD.  I also got him a lot of Hershey kisses, some boxers, and a UMass Hockey shirt.  Then, piano, which I still feel fairly confident in (though I have to practice!), and Opera Workshop. 

     I got back to my room and Abe was still doing homework so I put his gifts in the bag and cuddled up in front of the TV for a little while.  After a bit, he had me meet him downstairs to go to dinner.  He looked so handsome, he wore the long sleeved button up shirt that I helped him pick out at Aeropostale (our favorite clothing store).  I was a little disappointed that he didn't give me flowers then, but he had been out all morning doing something suspicious.   Dinner was supposed to be a surprise, but of course he took me to Osaka, pretty much the best place to eat in Northampton.  If  you haven't been there, they have amazing sushi (though i only eat the veggie rolls), and if you sit at the Hibachi dinner they do a show and cook in front of you.  I couldn't stop looking at him at dinner, I love that boy.  Then we went to Faces for a while, and headed back.

     When we got back, we went to my room and I was clueless because I was all looking down and it wasn't until i was right in front of my bed that I noticed the stuff there. He got me a beautiful bouquet of a dozen roses... red white and pink, and a mug full of candy. So sweet!  I was all like " Awww" and Catherine (my roommate) was there so it was funny cause we were being all mushy.  But I love my flowers, and I can't believe I have a boyfriend that would do such nice things for me, who knew I'd be so lucky.

    I'll write more later, I have to go to section rehearsal, and then Chamber Choir.  At least its Friday!

    Rachel

Why can't I find a flippin job??? I need one!  I can't deal with this no money thing much longer, especially if I'll be off campus next year.  Plus, I really need to find a job for the summer also. I'm going nuts over this.

Rachel

    Interesting weekend I guess.  I DID get to the gym on Friday, briefly before I hurried off to Janna's recital, which was obviously amazing.  Friday night wasn't too exciting. Yesterday also wasn't too exciting.  I pretty much felt sick all day.  I woke up with some sort of migraine, or stomach flu or something, and didn't really move out of my bed for much of the day. At one point I accompanied Abe to the bank, and immediately made him drive me straight back to the dorm because I felt like I was going to be sick. Fun fun.  In the evening, Abe and I decided to watch the movie Blow, which we had never seen.  It was pretty fantastic.  It wasn't until we smoked after the movie that I felt much better... And then this morning I felt fine (although a bit weak).
 
    Today I had a voice lesson, realized that I have a lot to work on in the next week.  Then I stumbled into town to buy a book, to find that the bookstore was closed, and then to Starbucks to find that my wireless connection wasn't working. So I couldn't get any work done until now. I went to a couple of my colleagues recital after my venture into town, and now I find myself with tons of work to do on a Sunday night. Hooray.  I'm also having a bit of trouble because I have completely forgotten to take my medication the past couple days (why does that happen every weekend!), so I'm a bit stressed.  Hopefully I can remedy that tomorrow by starting my weekday gym routine.
 
    Well, I'm ending this entry, hoping for a REALLY productive and hopefully somewhat relaxing week. 

P.S. Abe went snowboarding at Okemo today.  Of course, I didn't have the time, or (especially) the money to go with him. I'm so freakin jealous.

     Why do I keep just not going to the gym?  I should be motivated enough to just do these things on my own, but of course Abe's not going so I decide to be a lazy bum.  I should have just gone today.  Instead, I smoked around noon and after that doomed my self to laziness all day. Since lunch, I've just sat around and watched 2 chick flicks (Rumor has it and The Holiday) which I borrowed from my roommate, and went to my Aural Skills lab very late because I feel asleep after Rumor has it.  I'm feeling a little pathetic.  Abe wants to go to dinner now, but I'm thinking I should just go to the gym.  Or maybe not, we'll see. But he doesn't need me to eat dinner with him every night, I have all night with him.  He's going to the hockey game tonight (DAMN I wish I could go!) and I'm going to my voice teacher Janna's recital.  I can't wait, I love watching her sing.  http://www.jannabaty.com

     I've increasingly noticed that my German teacher calls on me much more frequently in the class.  I do raise my hand a lot, because if I don't participate in German class I'll fall asleep, but she's always asking me questions out of the blue and having me answer additional stuff.  At least if she's taking a liking to me, I may very likely come out with some sort of A at the end of the year.  I guess I'm sort of asking for it anyway, I sit in the very front.

    Even though it's Friday, I'm going to turn this lazy day around.  I especially have to practice singing because I have a voice lesson tomorrow.   We'll see what later tonight will bring.  Probably another bout of laziness and chilling with Abe.  Sounds good to me!!

   Rachel
    

     It's been a long time since I've done an online journal, but today something sparked me (probably some degree of boredom before class) to start one again.

     It's the second week of classes in the Spring semester, I'm waiting for Opera Workshop to start in a half hour.  After this I'll go warm up...  Today I had my normal Thursday schedule: 8am Elementary Methods, 930 am Psych of Aging, break, Piano class, Opera Workshop.  I tend to really like my Tuesday/Thursday classes.  Elementary Methods, although it is at 8am, is a lot of fun.  For the last homework we had to come up with a lesson plan to teach a song to a Grade 1-4 age group, and practice teach it to the class.  My song is called "There was a man," and I found it funny for little kids because in the song not only does the man jump into a bottle of beer, but someone named Jeremiah gets blown up at the end.  I decided that I'll only teach the first 6 stanzas of the song. Haha.
   
  Piano class is so much easier than last semester.  My teacher last semester was so hard and even though I would practice as much as I could, i couldn't get more than a C in that class.  I'm determined to get an A in piano this semester, and pass proficiency at the end of the year.  Something especially nice is that my piano teacher is also my pianist for my voice lessons this semester.  Hell yeah, I get a pianist!  I must be doing something right :).
   
  I can't wait for this weekend.. only one more day. I'm ecstatic that I don't have theory homework tonight!  Abe has been begging me to come to the Basketball game with him this evening, but truth is I'd rather just go to the gym, then relax (besides the fact that basketball puts me to sleep).  I've been trying to go to the gym as much as possible lately. I'd like to lose like 10 pounds, oh man.. But mostly, exercise tends to keep me sane.
        Gotta go warm up some vocal chords.

Rachel